Some Special Wind for Your Sails - The Pirate's Tea Mk II. (untranslated)

Today is "Talk Like a Pirate Day" and I thought that it would be only appropriate to offer my musings on the Pirate's Tea as a sort of companion to my partner's review from a little over a year ago.

If you're having a party and you want to have plenty of drink on hand so that people don't have to worry about constantly opening new bottles or choosing between multiple options, Pirate's Tea can easily be made in large quantities to fill a cooler and would be a fantastic counterpart to a Hurricane (another great party drink simple to make en masse).

Pirate's Tea should also be consumed with a garnish of forethought. Much like Bloody Marys of the early 20th century, their distinct flavor belies a higher-than-you-think alcohol content. Please make sure you have a designated helmsman if you plan on a night of Pirate's Tea enjoyment.

On the other hand, the acidity of the orange juice gives the typical rum and coke a little kick of character and frankly eases the blow of the massively high fructose corn syrup-laden Coke. The ideal place to drink would be lounging by the poolside or on the beach on a hot day. I would recommend hardtack and a bowl of gruel for a food pairing. If for whatever odd reason you can't manage to come across any hardtack or gruel, Pirate's Tea would go great with anything else that's not too classy: pizza or backyard barbecue hamburgers and hot dogs.

It's a great diversion from thinking about wine or deciding which cocktail you want to make you look more sophisticated.

I give it one metal hook for a hand up, ye scalawags.

Some Special Wind fer ye Sails Mk II.

This day be "speak Like a scurvy pirate Day" 'n I thought that it would be only appropriate to offer me musin's on th' scurvy pirate's rum as a sort 'o companion to me partner's review from a wee over a year ago.

If ye're havin' a parrrty 'n ye want to have plenty 'o drink on hand so that people don't have to worry 'bout constantly openin' new bottles or choosin' between multiple options, scurvy pirate's rum can easily be made in large quantities to fill a cooler 'n would be a fantastic counterpart to a Hurricane (another great parrrty drink simple to make en masse).



Scurvy pirate's rum also be consumed wit' a garnish 'o forethought. Much like Bloody Marys 'o th' early 20th century, their distinct flavor belies a higher-than-ye-think 'spiced rum content. Please make sure ye have a designated helmsman if ye plan on a nightfall 'o scurvy pirate's rum enjoyment.

On th' other hand, th' acidity 'o th' orange spiced rum gives th' typical spiced rum 'n spiced rum a wee kick 'o character 'n frankly eases th' blow 'o th' massively high fructose corn syrup-laden spiced rum. Th' ideal place to drink would be loungin' by th' poolside or on th' beach on a steamin' day. I would recommend hardtack 'n a bowl 'o gruel fer a grub pairin'. If fer whatever odd reason ye can't manage to come across any hardtack or gruel, scurvy pirate's rum would be off great wit' anythin' else that's not too classy: pizza or backyard barbecue hamburgers 'n steamin' dogs.

'tis a great diversion from thinkin' 'bout meed or decidin' which cocktail ye want to make ye look more sophisticated.

I gift it two metal rusted hooks fer hands up, ye scalawags.

This post translated by Post Like A Pirate.

My Favorite Spanish Daisy: The Margarita

The summer season has a reputation of being the time when the world seems to slow down and get a little bit lazy. Schools shut down, television goes into reruns, and the hot, humid weather seems to create the effect of slowing people's vibrancy. But nowhere is the sluggishness and lack of care more represented (in my opinion) than in the Margarita.

Now margaritas are somewhat Cointreauve--excuse me, controversial--both in its history and its composition. Many restaurants will offer a variety of tequila-based fruity drinks over crushed ice and call them margaritas. Only recently did I start taking umbrage at that. It is partly based in our society's total ignorance and lack of appreciation for alcohol and fine cocktails. But I also find it somewhat insulting that if I were to order a margarita, I will be presented with a mixture of tequila and syrup most likely laden with high fructose corn syrup. If that's what I wanted, I would get a Slurpee and customize it myself. It would certainly be more cost effective than paying through the nose for it at a Mexican restaurant. The frozen margarita is a complete bastardization of the sophistication of the original drink. As Drinkboy once said, "No, a properly made margarita never sees the inside of a blender."

Which brings me to a tangential point: to those experimenting with different spirits trying to come up with new cocktails, drinks should be simple. Simplicity allows for easier memorization, but mostly it makes it so that the flavors of each spirit do not overtake each other. The beauty of the original margarita is its elegance and the way that it maintains all the qualities of the Mexican style of drinking tequila without making you look like a foolish sot.

The Original Margarita (official IBA recipe):

1. 35 mL Tequila Blanco
2. 20 mL Triple Sec or Cointreau
3. 15 mL Lemon or Lime juice

Run half a lime around the rim of a glass and dip in salt. Shake the tequila, triple sec, and juice over ice and strain into salt-rimmed glass.

After a few months of practice I have gotten to the point where I not only enjoy the Margaritas I make for myself, but I am confident that the Margaritas I make for others will impress them and totally alter their opinions of what a great Margarita should be. In my margaritas, the harshness of the tequila is offset by the slight orange flavor from the Cointreau and the tartness of the lime juice, and the salt balances the sweet fruitiness, and the sum of the flavors linger in your mouth for a few seconds after each sip. Besides which, it's refreshing to boot!

Much like many mysterious elements of our world's history, the true origins of the original Margarita may never be known for sure. Most origin stories revolve around a bartender creating the drink and naming it after a woman somehow related to the management/owner of the particular establishment at which said bartender was employed at the time. With the exception of the names of the bartenders and the bars all of these stories are basically the same.

However, my personal favorite Margarita story says that there was a bartender named John Durlesser working at Tail o' the Cock in Los Angeles and presented it at the All American Cocktail contest in 1949. John and his girlfriend (a Mexican lady named Margarita) were avid hunters. One day out in the fields, Margarita was killed in an accident, and Durlesser created the Margarita to honor her memory, using ingredients intended to incorporate his lady friend's Mexican heritage. I find this to be the most poetic history behind the Margarita, but also was the crux of an especially heart-wrenching episode of the brilliant, slice of life anime, Bartender.



So please, do yourself a favor and the next time you go to a Mexican restaurant and are tempted by what they call a margarita, take a pass. Order a Negro Modelo or a Bohemia instead, wait until you get home and make a real Margarita. You deserve it after drinking so many alcoholic Slurpees.

I need a drink after all this...

It's been almost a year since I was at all active here.

I have excuses, but still feel remiss for not giving my column its due diligence. Excuse number one is my ongoing excuse for the last 22 months and will continue to be so for the next 16-20 years I estimate. As none of our readers know, I have several pets in the house; two dogs, two cats, and a 22-month-old daughter. Most of my time away from work is spent taking care of and spending time with my family. When little Baby Face is napping is when I usually catch up on some housework, and when she is down for the night, I will either collapse from fatigue or spend a little time sittin' and sippin' with my wife.

As a sort of indicator of how long it's been since I posted last, my last entry referred to Gina as my girlfriend.

My second excuse is a compendium of life-changing processes which have taken place over the last ten months or so. Moving from one house into another rendered me without Internet access for about five months as we worked out our new budget and went through different jobs, getting married took most of my mental energy away from things other than getting our tax/legal information sorted out, and setting out to buy the house we've moved into has scrambled my brain like a tornado tearing through a poultry farm.

But now that things are starting to settle down a little, I'll do my best to get back on the keyboard and report about my latest adventures in spirits. I feel that it would be the best thing for the World Wide Web if I had as big a presence as possible. But mostly I'm just trying to prove to Joe that I am able to maintain regular attention to a blog so that he'll let me write for Critical Hit.

Trader Vics for Tiki Tuesday!

Got off work, leapt out the door, lost my umbrella to the wind. Great.

Didn't need it, but it's cold outside.

I head to Trader Vic's with this on my mind.

Trader Vic's is a tiki lounge/restaurant specializing in Polyniesian cusine and swank cocktails. The last time I was here with my folks we share some mediocre food and a pretty sweet volcano cocktail. I had a blast. This time it was drinks only, as I arrived after the main kitchen had shut down.

Ran into my crew, did the hellos. Refrained from throwing out a "Who wants to party with the Drink-Bot?!" and sat down. Sipped a few cocktails that were already out. Some were sweet little things, o

ne was a little rough around the edges, but both tasted just a little on the weak side. This worried me. Not that I wanted to get plastered but I guess that hanging out with pirates will get

you used to cocktails with nards.

Here's what I got:

Navy Grog

• 1/2 oz Grand Marnier
• 1/2 oz Gold Rum
• 1/2 oz Dark Rum
• 1/2 oz Light Rum
• 1 oz Grapefruit Juice
• 1 oz Orange Juice
• 1 oz Pineappe Juice

1. Dump the liquor into a Collins glass with ice.
2. Pour the juice on top and give it a shake.
3. Add a pineapple slice

The Navy Grog was good. I expected rums (orignally, Grog was watered down rum given to sailors on board British navy vessels. It was watered down to make it last longer.), and I expected maybe a little lemonade or something citrussy. It came down good and fruity, the rum was right on top of the palate and it was tasty. And easy sipper. I threw it back in minutes.

Pimm's Cup

• 2 oz Pimm's Cup No. 1
• 3 oz Lemonade
• Twist of Lemon to garnish
• Cucumber slice too!

1. Pimm's over ice.
2. Lemonade
3. Garnish

Pimm's Cup was...pink. Very red in color, I wasn't really expecting that. And for those of you who don't know, here's what Wikipedia has to say about Pimm's Cup:

Pimm's is a brand of alcoholic beverages now owned by Diageo. Its most popular product is Pimm's No. 1 Cup, a gin-based beverage that can be served both on ice or in cocktails. It has a dark tea colour with a reddish tint, and tastes subtly of spice and citrus fruit. It is often taken with lemonade, as well as various fruits including apples, oranges and lemons.

So that's that.

It tasted weak...like something wasn't there enough. Watery, that's a good approximation. I couldn't taste any liquor in it. To me, the taste of a liquor is in that subtle (or not so subtle) bite it gives you. Teases with a flavor, kicks you with a fuel. This Pimm's Cup didn't have that at all. Nevertheless, I let it slide by. By the time I was done drinking I was twenty bucks in the hole, and only just THEN beginning to feel the pull of a tipsy-ness. I left my friends with jovial goodbyes and hit the road.

All in all, I am going to say I enjyoed the cocktails. I did. But I want to try making them myself, or get them in a different venue. I could make them cheaper, and probably with a little more flavor. I want to go back for their food again though, and give it a spin. I dug the vibe, and the waitress was awesome about our large party. The drinks though: girly by definition, girly in strength, manly in potential. We'll see what I can do...

*rubs hand together*